A Life Betwixt

In 2019 I lost my older sister and best friend to a drug overdose. It’s really a lot more complex than this simple explanation, in regards to health struggles and mental health issues and the horrible medical field plus drug addictions… it’s so complex that I won’t bother to go into it. I worry that people will just see my sister as a drug addict and she was far from that. She is such a complex and brilliant soul. I miss her everyday. 

In her life she was a writer, a lyricist, a poet and singer, a dancer, a dreamer, an actress, a nurturer, she had gorgeous handwriting and I always made her handwrite things for me, she was also a philosopher, a self taught expert of mental health, astrology, religion, and she could read a person’s aura from a mile away. She was a screenplay writer, an avid reader, a self proclaimed mermaid, a passionate defender of all injustices, a protector, a lover of pomegranates and avocados. She was a fashion designer, a makeup artist, a friend to almost everyone… I could go on for days, but I guess I need to get to the point.

The word betwixt is a connection between her and I, not only because she is betwixt mortal life and the eternities right now, but because of a novel she was writing. She had been working on it over a period of about a decade, and I was particularly obsessed with it. I loved her stories and she would tell me about them and about her changes as she went along. The title of this novel is Betwixt. The story of a girl who experienced supernatural abilities, similar to a medium.

We grew up in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and she came upon a scripture that gave her the inspiration for the title. In the Book of Mormon, chapter 40 of the book of Alma, you read “Now there must needs be a space betwixt the time of death and the time of the resurrection. And now I would inquire what become of the souls of men from this time of death to the time appointed for resurrection?” It was a really brilliant connection to be able to tie these verses of scripture to the experiences of her character. It also feels like a connection for my life though…

I don’t possess any supernatural abilities and I am definitely 100% alive, but I often feel betwixt spaces in this mortal journey and sometimes it can feel very lonely. I have ADHD, but the inattentive, higher IQ type, that allowed me to be a good enough student that no one ever bothered to think anything was wrong. I was diagnosed a year ago, at the age of 35. I feel like a disaster of a human who lacks basic life skills, even though as a teenager I really thought I’d go far, because I DID, until I couldn't anymore. I also believe it is likely that I have Autism - type 1 (I think? The higher functioning one…). I pass all the tests as a pretty average autistic. I have all the sensory issues and am way too black and white and straight forward despite how hard I try to progress as a human being, but again, I’m not Autistic ENOUGH to have had anyone notice that anything was different about me as a child. I just seemed uptight, anxious, way too serious, etc. No one even noticed the majority of my sensory issues, not even myself… I have struggled with the problems associated with these two diagnoses my entire life and yet have just recently discovered that they are the impetus for me not living up to who I think I am or wish to be. 

On top of these diagnoses I am also in the space betwixt my religion and my self acceptance, a very personal journey. I am in a space betwixt being in a marriage and not, but in this space I am also betwixt, because my husband has come out as trans and is transitioning to female and I am straight… who do I talk to in this space betwixt? 

It’s all a lot to unpack, so that’s why I am here, writing it all out; hoping to make sense of my life and learn to honor my own agency and to be ok with living in the space betwixt.

The space betwixt is a space to grow. I’m stuck here and as my grandma would say “this IS it”, so now it’s time not only live betwixt, but to feel powerful and productive within this space, because my life is

A LIFE BETWIXT.